We don’t fake orgasms because we don’t like them and avoid them at all costs. Quite the opposite. It’s probably the case that as the number of faked orgasms increases, as does our deep desire for a real one.
This is a blanket statement here. But generally, we fake orgasms because it’s far easier than intimate and vulnerable communication about our pleasure…
We fake orgasms because we’d rather get it over with than communicate we’ve lost interest in the sex-perience…
We fake orgasms because it’s easier than telling our partner that nothing they’re doing feels particularly orgasmic…
We fake orgasms because we’d rather our partner feel satisfied than try to articulate how hard it is for us to orgasm with a partner…
And there are a hundred more reasons, but the common theme is that we share a fear of communicating something vulnerable with our partner. And while both men and women are known to fake orgasms, women fake it significantly more often.
And while it doesn’t necessarily bring us closer to orgasm to say this, there is some validity here. After all, it’s not like women’s pleasure has been prioritized over the years.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. And it doesn’t matter how many orgasms you’ve faked in your lifetime — you’re only one step away from the truth. And the truth will bring you closer to orgasm than you might imagine.
So You’ve Been Faking It… Now What.
There are two different circumstances that we’ll explore. When you’ve been faking it with someone you’ve been with for a while, and when you’re seeing someone new.
First scenerio, You’ve been faking it for a while with your current partner.
Real talk? You’re not the first person to fake an orgasm. And everyone knows that it happens, men and women. You can comfort yourself by knowing that you’re not alone in this. A sexually aware partner will likely already understand the implications of why “faking it” is such a thing.
Undoing your habit of fake orgasms comes down to one thing only: communication.
And this is really the only way out. When we’ve been faking it for so long, and our partner thinks we’re satisfied to the nines, it’s going to feel strange for the both of you if you suddenly stop faking. And very likely, your partner will notice and you’ll end up facing the dreaded communication anyway.
So better to start with the truth. And there is a graceful way you can communicate this truth that will help your partner lean toward understanding versus feeling duped. The conversation can look something like this:
Step One: Pick the right time. Best not to start the conversation mid-sex. You can find a time when you’re relaxing or snuggling together. Or perhaps just as things are taking a more intimate turn.
Step Two: Initiate conversation. Start by confessing you’d like to talk about something really scary and vulnerable for you. Share whatever feelings you’re having in the moment (fear, shame, sadness, etc.) Ask your partner to hear you through.
Example: “I was hoping we could talk about something that’s very vulnerable for me. I’m feeling a little bit scared to talk about this right now, but it’s important to me. Do you mind hearing me out?”
Step Three: You’ll have to rip the bandaid off. But start with the reason why you’ve been faking it. This may take some reflection on your part. Make sure you keep this about you and your feelings, versus their behavior, but you can include fears about their responses or reactions.
Example: “It’s always been really hard for me to communicate what feels good sexually, and because I’ve been afraid, I need to tell you that I haven’t had a real orgasm. I was afraid it would turn you off to explain what I needed.”
Example 2: “I’m worried about seeming high maintenance or weird if I ask for what I want sexually. Because of that, I need to tell you that I have been pretending to orgasm. I didn’t intend to hurt your feelings.”
Example 3: “I want to communicate that it’s challenging for me to orgasm with a partner, and I haven’t been successful at expressing what I want or need. Because of that, I have been faking my orgasms with you. It has felt too vulnerable to share that I don’t know what I need to orgasm.”
Step Four: If it’s true, acknowledge that you are sexually excited and satisfied by your partner. You can communicate what you like that they do, and that even though you haven’t orgasmed, you still find sex with them pleasurable (assuming that’s true).
Example: “Even though I haven’t orgasmed, I love having sex with you and you’re the best at turning me on. It’s always pleasurable, even without an orgasm.”
Step Five: Ask for their help. Invite them in on your vulnerability. This is the step where your faking-it actually becomes an opportunity to grow closer to your partner. If you feel like it’s authentic, apologize for the untruthfulness.
Example: “I’m sorry that I was not honest. I wanted to share this with you because I’m really hoping to explore this together moving forward. I’d love your help to figure out what gets me to orgasm.”
Now, It’s Your Turn to Listen
Your partner may have some feelings and thoughts upon hearing that you’ve been faking it. And that’s understandable. Make sure to listen to what they are feeling so that this can truly be an opportunity for growth.
As we discussed at the beginning… You’re not a bad person for faking orgasms. Fear of communication and vulnerability simply had the upper hand. This conversation is about exploring that fear, and then the eventual exploration together of what gets you to the big O.
Second scenerio, You’ve always faked it historically, but you’re with a new (or newer) partner.
Understandably, this is an easier situation. If you have a clean track record, then a new encounter or newer relationship is a helpful time to stop faking.
But that doesn’t necessarily make it easy. And this is where communication becomes relevant once again.
If historically, you’ve been faking orgasms, you may find it challenging to orgasm during sex with this new partner. Probably, you have a lot to explore and open up to in terms of what’s going to take you there.
Communication will help you with this exploration and advocacy of your own pleasure.
Here’s a little secret — mindful and compassionate lovers want to see you pleased. Your pleasure turns them on. If you speak up about wanting to orgasm and exploring what works for you, it’ll likely turn them on.
But you’ll have to start by swearing to yourself that you won’t fake! Because trust me, it will be tempting. What’s easier: putting on a passionate little show that you’ve done ad nauseam, or spilling your guts to someone you’ve just or recently met?
And which one’s definitely not going to end in a real orgasm for you to enjoy?
In these scenarios, you can try communicating something simple, like this:
Example: “I really want to try some new things so that I can have an amazing orgasm tonight. Are you open to that?” (Who would say no?!)
Example 2: “I always feel like there’s a ton of pressure for me to orgasm during sex. Can we just go with the flow and see what happens? I want to focus on feeling pleasure.”
Catch the drift? Even with a newer partner that you’re not incredibly comfortable with, you can make the convo practically sexy.
The Most Important Part
The hardest part is over — the communication. But here’s the most important thing. And maybe it’s a secret that not many know or a really top-tier tip, but tuck this in your pocket for later…
Sex is always better when you don’t aim for an orgasm.
Especially for women: when you try to orgasm, you lessen your chances of getting there. It puts pressure on something that needs to flow. You put force on an action that is ultimatlely supposed to be all about you letting go.
So do exactly that. Don’t fixate on orgasm. Instead, fixate on pleasure. On finding what feels good, which is the same thing as saying explore. Experiment. Find yourself a partner that wants to wander aimlessly around your body or hell, do it yourself.
When it comes to orgasms, there’s no such thing as fake it till you make it. Take the fake it off the table. Have the conversation. An honest and vulnerable conversation can bring you closer, which is all most of us really want.
Women and orgasms — a saga. Remember that sex is not a stage for the performance of orgasm. It is our sacred, intimate sanctuary where we can come as we are.